The Tortured Reviewer's Department, Pt. 1

It’s that time once again, finally, after a year and a half. Taylor Swift releases a new album and I listen to it, I fend off the Swiftie allegations, and then I review the album in its entirety – breaking down what I like and dislike about each song and ranking each track 1-10. 

Here’s the problem: Taylor Swift writes way too much music. The Tortured Poet’s Department (ugh) is 31 songs long, and there is absolutely no way I’m reviewing 31 tracks in one post. So I’ll review the original 15 tracks, starting with Fortnight and ending with Clara Bow, and then I’ll (maybe) come back for the rest of them. 

A note: I did not realize how painful a listening experience this would be. I apologize for the steady drop-off in consistent commentary as the article progresses; you'll have to forgive me.

Without further ado: 

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone) – 3:48

This is the opening track because of the big-name feature, and I hate to be negative (no, I don’t) but Post Malone is overrated as a feature artist. Case in point: Dial Drunk by Noah Kahan, where Malone’s vocals add nothing to the track whatsoever.

Credit where it’s due, though, because I actually quite like some of Post Malone’s lyrics on Fortnight, especially when they’re intertwined with Swift. This is a pretty standard song without much variation in a very understated backing track. Swift wants to kill everyone, including her husband and his wife (or someone else’s wife?) It’s a lamentation of lost love, moving methodically along with a basic electric drum set and some ethereal vocals. For a feature track and the opening song on the album, I expected much more. It’s almost like Taylor wasn’t sure what sound she wanted to pursue, so she picked the most generic, bland brand of pop that she could find. That’s a common theme, unfortunately. 

Also, a note: people on Genius are praising this song for using the term “fortnight” which is technically British, which is (allegedly) such an incredible callback to her relationships with British guys! Wow! What a poet! Is this getting old to anyone else, or is it just me? Are we pretending like fortnight is an obscure word now? 

Rating: 5/10 (perfectly mediocre)

The Tortured Poet’s Department – 4:53

Here lies the perfect opportunity to talk about the title of this album. Is it a ripoff of the Dead Poet’s Society? Is it just self-indulgent, self-pitying drivel? Who’s to tell? All I know is that it entirely lacks the intrigue of every other Taylor Swift album title. It tells you way too much; I challenge you to think of one other Swift album that tries so hard to set up the album in a specific way. 

Moving along from that, though, we have another unremarkable song, albeit one that’s even worse than Fortnight because the lyrics are awful. 

And who’s gonna hold you like me?

Nobody.

Nofuckinbody.

Nobody.

Pardon my French, but that is terrible. But wait, it gets worse!

You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate

We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist

I scratch your head, you fall asleep

Like a tattooed Golden Retriever

Do I need to explain why this is bad songwriting? It’s like she took a real interaction she had with some tattooed dude that goes along with whatever she says and likes to light up and devour sugar and said, “hey, this would be a great verse!” Spoiler alert: it’s not a good verse. It’s shallow, and it doesn’t even sound good just based on the flow of the song. There are actually several more verses that are equally bad (the whole wedding ring thing, for one), but I can’t listen to this anymore so we’re gonna move on.

Rating: 4/10

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys – 3:23

Instant points deducted for bad drum machine choices (and random snare, for some reason). Swift is going for an infantilising thing here, making her ex appear small and childish by showing him destroying sand castles, which somehow represent “forever” for Swift and her “boy.” The backing track gets a bit better at the back end of the chorus, but the lyrics remain obnoxious and weird to listen to. This is not off to a good start, so I’m gonna keep rolling until we get to something good. This is awful. 

Rating: 3/10

Down Bad – 4:21

It’s not pretty, but Swift bounces back a bit here with some good melodic choices and more fluid lyrics. The title is… really bad, but if you can ignore that and just vibe to the sound of the song (and if you can also ignore the lyrics themselves), this is a fun song to listen to. I quite enjoy the way the chorus flows from the previous verse, and the understated sound that pervades every corner of this album works much better on this track than on others.

Now I’m down bad crying at the gym

Everything comes out teenage petulance

“Fuck it if I can’t have him”

“I might just die, it would make no difference”

Swift is clearly going for the overdramatized teenage perspective on heartbreak, and even if it’s a bit cringeworthy, she definitely accomplishes that goal. It’s the first catchy thing she’s accomplished on this album, and we’re four tracks in.

Oh, and the bridge is so unbelievably stereotypical for Taylor that it’s almost not worth listening to the entire song. Just reading the lyrics makes it clear what the flow is going to be (which is basically just a worse version of Snow On The Beach). Still, the flow itself isn’t actually that bad, so I’ll try to be fair. 

Rating: 6/10

So Long, London – 4:22

I’m pretty sure a lot of people really love this song, and I’m still trying to figure out why. The backing track is fast-paced and understated (as is common at this point), but Swift is barely singing. It might as well be spoken word, and in that case it should be evaluated like poetry. Disclaimer: I don’t usually like poetry, but I’ll try my best to be fair here. 

The disclaimer won’t matter because you guys will disagree with my assessment anyway. That’s because I think this is bad, bad poetry. It’s just loosely cloaked references to her life with Joe Alwyn in London. It’s nothing new, it’s nothing profound, it’s just the same old game she’s played with every single previous relationship. That’s all this song is, just some loosely veiled criticism of an ex. Is that not overdone at this point? I’ll say it again: I understand that singers often convey real-life experiences through their music, and that’s an important and beautiful thing. There’s a difference, though, between conveying your life stories and redoing the same concept over and over and over again because it’s popular and successful every time. That’s what Taylor Swift is doing, whether you like it or not. 

So Long, London is boring. There are some cool lyrics when she’s not being too obvious, but most of it is way overdone. It reads like a high school breakup letter from an aspiring Creative Writing major (no offense to the Creative Writing majors out there). I’m sure this is a very traumatic event for her, but the way she chooses to write it here is not compelling. 

Rating: 5/10

But Daddy, I Love Him – 5:40

Swift actually provides some nuanced criticism of fan and media reactions to her relationship with Matty Healy. Playing into the constant obsession surrounding her, she pretty effectively paints the way her relationship is impacted by it.

I'm havin' his baby

No, I'm not, but you should see your faces

Then she says some stuff about how he’s crazy but she loves him anyway, whatever. The point is that Swift makes some good points here and there. Unfortunately, it’s just here and there, and most of the track remains pretty irrelevant. She tries to get more dramatic with the backing track at some key spots around the choruses, but again, it lacks a distinctive sound that the listener can really enjoy. It’s just unassuming and bland, which is very unlike Swift. 

Rating: 6/10

Fresh Out The Slammer – 3:30

At this point in the album, there should be some distinct points of difference between tracks. There’s none of that here, and Fresh Out The Slammer sounds exactly like every other song to this point. I’m not exaggerating in that regard – it’s identical. I’m falling asleep listening to her once again describing how her British relationship felt, except it’s even more abstract than usual and it’s less-so loosely veiled and more-so unnecessarily vague. I know what you’re thinking: but Emory, what is she supposed to do? She just can’t win! You’re right. The songs are uninteresting, the lyrics are not up to par for a “tortured poet,” and there’s no distinguishing quality here. Once again, there’s nothing offensive about this song, but it’s just so uninteresting and meaningless. 

Rating: 4/10

Florida!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine) – 3:35

What an interesting feature. A British indie rock band on a Swift album? Fascinating. Florence Welch, who leads the band, does not have a bad voice, but she adds nothing that elevates this track. The chorus is also just annoying, with a few bizarre percussion hits after they yell “Florida!” and a few generic statements about Florida. They’re right that Florida is, indeed, “one hell of a drug.” They just keep making Florida + drug metaphors, over and over again. The music is supposed to be a bit more rocking, presumably because Florence also includes The Machine, but it’s just not appealing. Maybe I’m not the target audience. I’m not from Florida, and I’m also not constantly writing poetry about British flings. When do I get to enjoy a song on this album? 

Rating: 3/10

Guilty as Sin? – 4:14

Found it! The one song on this album that I will consistently enjoy! Swift finally finds a catchy chorus here, along with some lyrics that are actually somewhat unique and enjoyable. 

What if he’s written ‘mine’ on my upper thigh only in my mind? 

One slip and fallin' back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

Really cool writing there and throughout. The backing track isn’t particularly interesting, but it fits the rest of the song really well, even if it still doesn’t fall within some sort of unique sound that can characterize the album as a whole. My favorite part of this song is the creative segue from the bridge into the final chorus. I’m a sucker for a beat drop, sure, but it feels like vintage Taylor Swift in a way that none of the previous songs do, and it’s a wonder what a good bridge can do for an artist who’s known for her bridges. And yeah, it’s another Matty Healy reference the entire time, but it at least feels like it could be more than that. I really enjoy this track, but it’s unfortunately about as good as it gets on TTPD. 

Rating: 8/10

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? – 5:34

Another pretty long song by her standards. It’s an obvious criticism of media and the music industry belittling her accomplishments, following a similar downsizing formula as My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys, except applied to herself this time around. 

Who’s afraid of little old me?!

Well you should be, you should be, you should be

So tell me everything is not about me

But what if it is?

Then say the didn’t do it to hurt me

But what if they did?

…

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

Is she really still being belittled at this point? Do people really discredit her accomplishments? And even if they do, why should she care at all? She has the largest fanbase in the musical world, not to mention incredible financial success and an obscene number of awards. This song feels like it should be released during a different era in her life or someone else’s life. Rating: 5/10

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) – 2:36

Another uninteresting song about Matty Healy. Packed to the brim with metaphors and allusions, it’s supposed to be mind blowing songwriting. It’s not, unfortunately; instead, it’s trite and overdone. It’s slow but not emotionally compelling, poetic but not masterfully so. I like that the chorus is placed creatively, such that it almost sounds like a verse, but this feels like a filler track, a common theme here. This album is full of filler tracks. 

They shake their heads sayin', "God, help her"

When I tell 'em he's my man

But your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger

I can fix him, no, really, I can

And only I can

Meh.

Rating: 5/10

Loml – 4:37

We switch gears now to a Joe Alwyn song. I feel like I’ve said it a million times, but don’t Swifties get tired of listening to breakup songs at some point? Especially when they sound like filler tracks?

It feels like an even more boring version of I Can Fix Him. Very reminiscent of Evermore, just a constant, mellow track with flowy, depressing lyrics layered over it. It feels like it took days to write and 10 seconds to record because of how deep the lyrics seem to be and how uninteresting it turns out. I guess this could be scathing or something, but I’m just so tired of tracks like this.

Rating: 4/10

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart – 3:38

We’ve arrived at perhaps the most annoying song on the album. Hey, at least there’s something to latch onto. The beat isn’t bad to start, just kinda peppy and understated while Swift sings some stuff about how capable she is despite heartbreak. Oh, yeah, it’s heartbreak again. Shocking.

This isn’t a filler track, that’s for sure. Swift is conveying the classic “perseverance despite emotional turmoil” thing that she loves to do; that’s evident from the depressed lyrics over a super upbeat, fast-paced beat. My favorite quote from a review of this song: Rick Beato saying, “Why are you in C-major if you’re depressed?” That’s a great question. I guess she’s going for the fake-smile, strong-face persona, and I understand what she’s trying to achieve, but it just comes off as really annoying to listen to. It’s like she wants it to be permanently buried in your brain, but not for you to enjoy. 

I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday!

I cannot stand this song, but at least it has personality. 

Rating: 5/10

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived – 4:05

I cannot listen to another song about how annoying Matty Healy is. It was a short, ill-advised relationship that did nothing but provide Swift with seemingly endless fuel for tracks. That’s fine. Whatever. Why don’t you put a little spice into it? Why not get angry and aggressive? The whole “tortured poet” thing is not coming across well at all in any of these tracks.

Sure, it kicks in a bit towards the back half here. I don’t care. It’s still not very interesting. It’s the same thin metaphors and the same subject matter. It’s the same production, the same lyricism, the same everything. It’s so unbelievably uninteresting and uncompelling. Someone explain to me what she was thinking here. 

Rating: 4/10

The Alchemy – 3:16

It’s like one of those songs that people joked about Swift making about her relationship with Travis Kelce. Swift says, “hey, what a great idea!”

I’m a sucker for a cool title, so sue me for thinking this was gonna be some super creative track when I saw the name. It’s filled with bad football references and obvious allusions to the last NFL season. I really don’t feel like describing all of them, so I’ll leave that to you guys if it’s really that interesting. 

In the meantime, I’ll let you know that this song is like all the others, except Swift isn’t heartbroken this time! Instead, this love is miraculous and “once in a lifetime,” and instead of referring to their connection as chemistry, it’s “alchemy.” What a mediocre way to use such a cool word. I’m reminded of that Meatcanyon parody song of a hypothetical breakup song that Swift would release if her relationship with Kelce ended, except it’s even more boring and even less energetic. It’s better than some of the others, though. 

Rating: 5/10

Clara Bow – 3:36

I feel like I’ve been listening to one synth sound for three hours. That’s the effect this album has on you – it’s endlessly identical, perpetually boring. Clara Bow sounds just the same, but it’s better this time, and I’m not even kidding!

First: it’s not a breakup song. It’s an exploration of the challenges of fame, both of achieving it, maintaining it, and managing the emotions of seeing it fade. I think she navigates those themes well through the lyrics of Clara Bow; I just wish it had a bit more oomph. Swift needs a new producer or she needs to drink more caffeine when she’s writing songs. 

I like the evolution of the artists she offers comparisons to, and I like the way she illustrates grappling with those comparisons. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to all the breakup songs. I usually enjoy when she talks about fame, even if it’s hard to really sympathize with her – see “The Lucky One.” Credit where credit is due, I guess. 

Rating: 6.5/10

I’m not gonna rate them or talk about them anymore. I have a whole new set of songs to review after this, and this was difficult enough. I really, really hope the back half of the album is more interesting. Please, Taylor. Please.