An Overly Critical Taylor Swift Album Review

Happy Halloween! If the title wasn't chilling enough, yes, I listened to Midnights of my own accord. And because I don't feel like writing about politics right now, I'm gonna review it. Surely my opinions will be completely uncontroversial and totally acceptable, right? Right!

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am not a Swiftie! I like some of it, I hate most of it, but most of all, I've heard way too much of it. So, like it or not, I'm kinda qualified. Nevertheless, I'm coming at this from a general dislike of most of Swift's music, so don't get too mad.

(Also, I didn't really listen to the 3am tracks, so I'm just gonna do the originals for now. If you guys love this for some reason, maybe I'll do those too.)

Also, all ratings are in comparison to other Swift songs in general (IN MY OPINION), so keep that in mind

Let's dive in.

1. Lavender Haze

This song began a theme that I think appears a few too many times on this album: overproduction. Taylor Swift goes through phases of relying on different musical tools to make her music stand out; this album went heavy on new sound effects. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. In Lavender Haze, I don't think it worked very well at all.

The guy crooning at various points of the song annoys me to no end. Besides that, the song is remarkably unremarkable. The backing track features random "I Can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight" type drums to hail the chorus, which is not particularly compelling. The rest of the backing track consists of muted synthwave-type percussion and sound effects that don't have much of an impact. The lyrics don't mean much to me; maybe they do to other people, but once again, pretty uneducated perspective here.

Rating: 5/10

2. Maroon

Continuing the consistent theme of uninteresting backing tracks, Maroon doesn't provide anything in the way of rise or fall. More synth, more unremarkable drum machine. I'll give her some credit for the lyrics, which convey a bitterness that is at least somewhat compelling; the chorus follows a unique pattern, and integrates some nice imagery with the title.

This song is definitely better than the first one, but I still strongly dislike it. Still, it's at least a solid musical foundation.

Rating: 5.5/10

3. Anti-Hero

This song is, in my opinion, the best song on Midnights, and it's not particularly close. The verses and chorus have a unique flow, the lyrics are actually catchy and interesting to listen to while still containing meaning, and the percussion, while still muted, has much more substance.

Yeah, some of the lyrics are a bit odd. I'm pretty confident there's some hidden meaning about one of her many romances that I'm really not interested in hearing about. But those are all characteristics of every Taylor Swift song, so as far as I'm concerned, this excels in every other category.

Rating: 8.5/10

4. Snow on the Beach

In my opinion, the most underrated song on the album. Snow on the Beach utilizes a lot of really unique, really fun vocal patterns and sound effects. It reminds me of Mirrorball in more than one way, which isn't super noteworthy, but it does make for a pretty nice musical foundation.

My favorite part is the sleigh bell, obviously, but besides that, I think the whole snow on the beach simile is both creative and evocative; accompanied by a nice, pretty unique pattern in the verses and choruses, Snow on the Beach definitely requires a certain mood to fully enjoy, but it has potential. Not something I'll be listening to, but compared to the rest of the album, it's pretty solid.

Rating: 7.5/10

5. You're On Your Own, Kid

This one kind of did the opposite of growing on me (shrunk on me? I don't know). Again, I'm not going to pretend or attempt to understand the lyrics, but they seem alright. I just don't really see anything special here.

Again, muted, kinda boring backing track that only gets a little more interesting as the song progresses. More synth, a bit of crescendo, and a decent chorus elevates this song above the rest of the boring ones, but not by that much.

Rating: 6/10

6. Midnight Rain

This song is straight up one of the worst I've ever listened to. The horrible distorted, lowered-pitch chorus completely ruins it. The backing track is bad, except for some cool synth stuff, some nice pitch rises, and a few cool sparkly-type effects. The lyrics are meh. The rest of the percussion is muted and pretty bad. None of that matters, because the chorus makes my ears bleed.

Rating 2/10

7. Question...?

More elevator music. The backing track is thoroughly unremarkable, so once again, the song hinges entirely upon Swift trying to carry it with lyrical creativity, which is mostly lacking here. I don't think the lyrics are interesting or evocative, and I don't like the sound effects she tries to add with variations of her voice.

The only thing that keeps this song serviceable are a nice sudden crescendo and an improved backing track at that point. Could be worse, but could be way better.

Rating: 6/10

8. Vigilante Shit

Bottom tier backing track, which some bizarre trap-style beat machine stuff that's somehow more artificial than the rest of the song, accompanied by some terrible bass. The lyrics are extremely bitter, and I guess if that's your thing, this is the song for you.

I don't like it. I mean, maybe it speaks to some people. I just don't see anyone wanting to come back to this song. Overall, just pretty bad.

Rating: 4/10

9. Bejeweled

Things start to get a bit better here. This one grew on me a little bit (not much) mostly just because it was a catchy chorus and some fun sound effects. The synth work is better than most of the songs, and it has a fun chorus structure. It's a little cliche-sounding, but some of the best Taylor Swift songs are about as cliche as it gets.

Definitely grew on me. Whether it's worth a spot on a playlist is still up for interpretation.

Rating: 6.5/10

10. Labyrinth

When you give a song a cool name, you have to make the song cool; that's just basic decency. Unfortunately, Swift decided to carefully craft one of the most boring, unlistenable songs of all time and give it a great name. The synth is lame and detrimental at times, the song as pretty much zero rise or fall, the lyrics are meandering and uninteresting, and the backing track is (per usual) unremarkable.

Not worth a second listen, but at least it isn't just immediately terrible.

Rating: 4/10

11. Karma

Probably the second best song on the album, Karma is equal parts catchy and creative. My favorite lyrics on the album are almost completely from this song. Again, it's kinda cliche, and the chorus can get a bit boring once you hear it a few times, but the backing track, synth effects, and lyrical structure are all way more interesting than most of the album. One good lyric: "Karma's a relaxing thought, aren't you envious that for you it's not?"

Pretty solid, at least compared to the rest of her discography.

Rating: 8/10

12. Sweet Nothing

I really have nothing to say about this song (ha. get it?) I mean, the title is accurate, so that's something. The synth is moderately ok. The lyrics are boring, the backing track is boring, the entire song is boring. It's just boring. There's my expert analysis.

Rating: 4/10

13. Mastermind

This song frustrates me to no end because I feel like it has so much potential. The lyrics are probably the most intelligent on the album. The chorus feels compelling. She builds up so much tension, building and building, and she just... never... releases it. It feels like a total letdown. The backing track, therefore, never gets a moment to shine, and neither does the song as a whole.

I'll give her points for good lyrics and a solid foundation. I just wish she gave it the musical release it deserves.

Rating: 6/10

That's all I've got! Hope you guys enjoyed my unsolicited musical criticism. If you're a Swiftie, don't get too mad; this was all just for fun because I like breaking down music, whether it's good or not.

Thanks for reading!

Emory